I thought if I looked up the riders selected for the clinic, that I'd feel better about not being selected. Some of them are obviously much better riders (half are PSG Level or above). I knew half of the riders selected would be professional trainers. That's been the mix for the previous clinics in this series. I knew the horse's would be to die for, and the videos of the one's I could find prove this. I knew my chances were slim to none to start with.... So why am I so heart broken by this?
I kind of just want to give up. I mean, if my best is still not good enough, then why am I exhausting myself every day? 14 hours of non-stop GO. I have a high stress, manic paced job anyway, but i have to be the over achiever and also be über dedicated to dressage. Oh, and let's fit in exercise time too! Dumbass. Why am I exhausting myself for something that doesn't return on investment?
I guess what irritates me is that I feel like I've come such a long way. That I've improved tremendously, and yet I have nothing to show for it. No titles, no scores on Centerlinescores.com, no certificates, nada. Eight years ago I broke my back and was homeless, two years ago I climbed on my first horse in 20 years. Today? I still can't afford to go to rated shows, I'm passed over for clinics specifically promoted for the Adult Amateur, and I'm exhausted.
I'm feeling a little defeated by life today...
I am sorry. I wish I had some advice that you would welcome.
ReplyDeleteWhat is it that you most want from the dressage community? Is it ribbons and winning or the process of showing and being involved?
I Googled your area and discovered that you have at least three USDF GMOs that you could join. The largest one, GLASS-ED, seems to have a lot going for it and membership is CHEAP, around $37. Here in California we pay around $75 annually just to join our GMO.
I wanted to participate in a clinic, so I signed up for one that was being held in conjunction with a California Dressage Society (CDS) show. It was sort of on a first come first server basis. It wasn't fancy and there weren't really spectators, but I got a lot out of the experience (more now than then). I also organized my own clinic. Can you contact a clinician and round up a few like-minded riders and put on your own "clinic"? The trainer we used was reasonably priced and didn't require traveling expenses since she was local.
It sounds like you've come a long way over the last decade. Don't give up. If riding and showing are what you really want to do, find a way to get it started. Do cheaper schooling shows, volunteer at a show, put on your own clinic, and remember to keep your goal in sight.
It might take longer than you'd like, but the journey is an important part of reaching the destination. I actually think it's the most important part. Don't be discouraged. You'll get there.