I thought if I looked up the riders selected for the clinic, that I'd feel better about not being selected. Some of them are obviously much better riders (half are PSG Level or above). I knew half of the riders selected would be professional trainers. That's been the mix for the previous clinics in this series. I knew the horse's would be to die for, and the videos of the one's I could find prove this. I knew my chances were slim to none to start with.... So why am I so heart broken by this?
I kind of just want to give up. I mean, if my best is still not good enough, then why am I exhausting myself every day? 14 hours of non-stop GO. I have a high stress, manic paced job anyway, but i have to be the over achiever and also be über dedicated to dressage. Oh, and let's fit in exercise time too! Dumbass. Why am I exhausting myself for something that doesn't return on investment?
I guess what irritates me is that I feel like I've come such a long way. That I've improved tremendously, and yet I have nothing to show for it. No titles, no scores on Centerlinescores.com, no certificates, nada. Eight years ago I broke my back and was homeless, two years ago I climbed on my first horse in 20 years. Today? I still can't afford to go to rated shows, I'm passed over for clinics specifically promoted for the Adult Amateur, and I'm exhausted.
I'm feeling a little defeated by life today...